Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Figuring things out

This past summer has been extremely busy for me. We've been out on the road quite a bit, busy with things while at home and I loved every minute of it. But with everything that went on, it wasn't necessarily the things that we did that I remembered. It was questions that arose that really stuck with me. I really got to thinking about may things that have happened in my life and things that I wish that I could have answers to.

One thing that arose came through Facebook. This is something that I do because I love how it allows me to keep in touch with people I haven't talked to in years. But also with this, it arose a situation that I didn't think I would have to face for a very long time... my ex joined the craze. Now normally this wouldn't be a problem (it's not like he's my only ex that's on there), it's the fact that he's the father of my eldest that makes it a problem for me.

He chose not to be involved in her life at all. It bothers me but at the same time it doesn't. I am very happily married and my husband treats my daughter extremely well. He treats her like one of his own. If he didn't we wouldn't be together. But what bothers me is other things. I'm not exactly sure how to go about this, but I'm going to try my absolute best.

~The first thing that really bothers me is knowing that he has another child. Knowing that my daughter has a half sister out there that she doesn't know is one thing that really bothers me. Also the fact that she doesn't know her real dad, grandparents, aunts or cousins. Don't get me wrong, she has a great family. My in-laws have also accepted her as theirs, but at the same time it's not the same. This kinda runs into #2.

~I can't understand what made him own up and be a father to this second little girl, but not to my daughter. How can you know that you have a daughter out there and not want to know anything about her or want to have anything to do with her?? This is the thing that bothers me the most. This is one thing that makes me want to cry. Knowing that her real father and his family wanted nothing to do with her. When I was still in the hospital after giving birth to her, his mom came in to see her and I, and after holding her and asking to be a part of her life....I never heard from her again after that day. When Cam used to play hockey I dreaded going to Shellbrook for their games. His brother-in-law plays for that team, so I always saw his sister during the games. She would stare at me and Madison, and I would get so uncomfortable that I would have to get up and leave. It makes me wonder. Do they ever think about her or is she just a lost memory to them? Do they not see how much she resembles him??

~He was an ass to me during my whole pregnancy. Totally avoided me. I think we talked two or three times throughout. I was so pissed at him and so were most of our friends. No one talked to him for years. But this is where the Facebook thing comes in. The reason that I knew he joined this thing was because he was added as a friend by some of my friends. Seeing his name on there made my heart stop. I haven't seen or heard from him in four years. So for his name to come up like made me cry. For his profile picture he has his little girl. But it ticked me off more than anything to see him added as a friend by my friends. I felt betrayed. I know I shouldn't. What happened between us has nothing to do with them. But still I can't help but feel this way. I didn't talk to my brother for a long time because they still talked after she was born.

Do I have the right to be feeling this way? Is it normal? Are any of my feeling just? I think that I should just get over it all, but I just don't know how. It's something I want to get past, but I just don't know how. If there is any advice out there for me, I'd gladly take it right about now.